


Amber, Diamonds, Pearls, Rubies

by pattons_second_cookie



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Anxiety, Crying, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Separation Anxiety, Smoking, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-01 22:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14531103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pattons_second_cookie/pseuds/pattons_second_cookie
Summary: This will be a first-person fic told from Virgil’s perspective. He had a hard growing up and he has always felt like life is out to get him down. He has struggled for a long while with various issues, and he never got the help he really needed. He is trying to better his life, but things only seem to be getting worse for him.*This story will be mentioning a lot of really ugly topics, so please check the warnings before reading too far into this.*





	Amber, Diamonds, Pearls, Rubies

Where do I even start with this? I guess we should start with an introduction. So here we go.

I’m used to feeling alone. I’ve always been alone. It’s just how it’s been. Ever since I was born.

I’m technically an orphan. I never even got a last name because of the terrible way I was brought into this world. My mother disappeared after leaving me on the stoop of an orphanage, and no one could track her down. From the orphanage I was sent from foster home to foster home. The only thing I ever got from my mom is my name. Virgil. Just, Virgil. I never stayed with a family long enough to earn a last name so I was always just Virgil. It says so on every formal document, and I always get questioned about it.

There’s not a lot going for me in this world. I’ve got so much wrong with me, it’s a mystery how I made it this far. I dropped out of high school, I can barely keep a job for more than a few months, and most people find me unpleasant.

I say most people because there’s a select few who do find a way to tolerate me. There’s my close friend, Patton, and his husband Logan. I’ve known Patton since we were kids. He always liked me for some reason I never understood. We met Logan in high school and quickly became an awkward group of friends. Patton and Logan started dating then during our junior year ans started spending more time together. Their dynamic is something to behold. Patton’s so bubbly and excited about everything. Logan is the most analytical person I’ve ever met. They couldn’t be more opposite, but they work so well together. Once I was out of school, they didn’t really need to keep in touch with me. But they always tried to make sure I could still hang out with them.

Then there’s Roman. I met him a little while after I dropped out of school. He came to coffee shop I worked at and always ordered the exact same thing. I eventually got his order memorized, and would have it set before he walked through the door. I guess he took that as an invitation to talk to me. Don’t ask how or why we starting dating because I have no idea. He’s super loud, and overdramatic, and hard to keep up with. But I love him. And I don’t love much in this world. Despite our differences, Roman just gets me somehow. He knows I have a rocky upbringing and he deals with me and my flaws just fine. I wish I had met him sooner in my life.

The four of us rent out a 2 bedroom town house together, and it’s been that way for a few years now. Patton and Logan both have steady jobs; Patton’s a veterinarian and Logan teaches astronomy at the local college. Roman makes a fair amount of money through theatrical performances and a pretty steady sponsorship on YouTube. I try to contribute what money I can, but like I said, I can’t keep a job.

One thing I can keep are my obsessions. My mind runs differently from others, and I prefer not to share that part of myself with other people. There are some things even Roman doesn’t know about me. Like my obsession with beauty. I’ve got several mental health issues, so I try my best to stay positive if at all possible. It’s proven difficult in recent years.

I find beauty in the strangest places. The specks if amber that fall from my cigarettes in the middle of the night. The diamonds that trickle down my face after a rough day. The pearls I consume to attempt to keep myself sane. And the ruby bracelets I wear when I can’t handle life. Believe me, I know most of these habits aren’t the best, but my mind finds them so beautiful. The others don’t know, and it would break their hearts if they ever found out.

Life is starting to get worse for me again. I’m trying to hold my own this time, but I spend a lot of time home alone. I’m always at my worst when I’m alone. I’m forgetful, and anxious, and I can’t help but yearn for someone to come back home. But they don’t. Logan’s not back until 4, Patton gets home at 5:30 to make dinner, and Roman’s schedule is way too wild to keep track of. I’m alone from morning until evening most days, and my brain likes to fill the hours by beating me up.

I’m gonna be blunt about this. I’m suicidal. I’ve dealt with depression my whole life. Anxiety too. I’ve attempted suicide before- twice actually. Once by trying to jump off a bridge and another time was when I got caught up my rubies. Patton and Logan never found out, and I haven’t made another attempt since things got serious with Roman. But I’m starting to get worse again. I’m waking up in a panic at night, I can’t eat, and the void in my very being is opening up again. I can’t afford therapy, and I won’t force it onto the others to care for me. I’m stronger than my brain and I can get through this. I hope.

They can’t find out.

AMBER

I started smoking when I was 10. The older kids in the orphanage were the ones who got me started. They told me it could ease my stress, and it did. I didn’t know about the addiction of nicotine or the damages of burning tobacco, and by the time I learned I didn’t care. I just like seeing the ambers and scatter the the ground at night.

I used to spend any money I had on more cigs. I was barely able to feed myself by the time I was 17 because I had wasted all my cash. But I can’t help it. The amber glow calms me down.

Roman found out I smoke about a month after we met. He caught me on break behind the coffee shop. He seemed upset by it. I was tearing through a pack a day still, and he couldn’t stand the way I smelled after coming home. He hates it, I know he does. But he knows it’s difficult to quit. I have cut back significantly since we hooked up. I still steal a few to myself late at night though. I just need to see a few ambers before bed.

DIAMONDS

Crying isn’t a weakness in my mind. It’s a strength. It’s a beautiful release of excess tension. It’s a way to feel the stress of life rolling down my face. It’s a way to see diamonds.

Other boys laugh at me for crying so much. But they never saw what I saw. The world looks so much better through diamonds. Everything that made me hurt gets blurred with my vision. So I let them make fun of me. I knew I would see more diamonds at night.

We’d known each other for so long, but Patton never saw me cry. I mean, I cried as a kid but stopped doing it in front of others by the time I was 12. It became my thing to do in private, and I never let anyone see it. Until one day, when Patton came home from work early and found me alone on my bedroom floor. It was a panic attack that I couldn’t pull myself out of. I never heard Patton come in. It took him forever to calm me down. We were both covered in diamonds that day.

PEARLS

I don’t like pills. Small ones that taste bitter. Large ones that are impossible to swallow. I just hate taking them. But some of them look so beautiful. They look like pearls.

I’ve been put on meds before. Foster parents thinking it might help my behavior. It didn’t. I sold them to other kids so I could buy cigarettes. But I would save some just to admire the beauty of the pearls.

Logan feels like there’s a solution to everything. I told him about my struggle with finding meds that work for me, and how I’ve given up on them. He’s got a friend from college who’s a head shrink. Logan got me an appointment for a discounted price. He went with me for the first few visits, but I eventually managed on my own. I haven’t booked an appointment in a long while, but I already got what I wanted from them. They got me a new set of pearls that actually help.

RUBIES

When did I first cut myself? I don’t know. Early teens I guess. The blade guard on my razor broke, and i couldn’t help myself. The rush of physical pain followed by the release was so sweet. I was mesmerized. There wasn’t a scar, but that’s how I got my first ruby bracelet.

I know how bad it is to hurt myself. But keeping my pain inside hurts me worse. When it gets to be too much, I would slip up. Sometimes with bracelets, other times on my ankles or my thighs. As I got older I tried finding places to hide them. The farthest I’ve gone is 10 ruby bracelets. Their silver ribbons still decorate my right arm.

It was the middle of the night and I was hurting bad. I had burned through all my ambers and the diamond mines were empty for the day. Roman kept a pocket knife in his bedside table. The bathroom door locked from the inside. Just a few rubies... just enough to release the pain.... I don’t know when I passed out but I did... Roman broke the door hinges. He cried. I didn’t wake up for hours. Rubies stained the floor, and my arm, and Roman’s shirt.

I still watch my ambers, but only at night. I still craft my diamonds, but only when I know I’m alone. I swallow my pearls, but only if Logan’s getting mad. I don’t dig for rubies anymore, but I still think about them.

My life is rough, and I’ve got too many people trying to make it better. I know I’m not alone, but I feel alone. And I’m used to feeling alone.

I’m glad I introduced myself.


End file.
